Patient Services Team's Blog | Q & A: Sharing intimacy when so much has changed

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Q & A: Sharing intimacy when so much has changed

Posted by: Mary at NBTS on June 7, 2011 at 9:04AM UEDT

Q: How can I get share some intimacy with my loved one when it seems like so much has changed?

Sexuality and intimacy are a big part of quality of life. Data on sexuality in brain tumor patients is scarce and needs to be collected to be able to obtain the scope of the problem. The more I ask patients and caregivers about sexual relationships after the brain tumor diagnosis, a common answer that it has changed from what it was to almost nothing.

The shock of having a brain tumor is enough to cause major changes in a person. In addition, diagnosis, surgery, radiation therapy, and chemotherapy can be overwhelming. Caregivers often take over many of the patients’ tasks and the relationship may not have the previous balance. The person with the brain tumor often tries so hard to do as well as possible, but it is not the same. Drifting apart may happen quickly. Whether or not sexual relations were a major part of the relationship, closeness and intimacy are important components of feeling loved and accepted.

Finding an emotional center to bond over may be helpful. Couples have told me they need to find new ways to share intimacy with their partner. For example, instead of always talking about the brain tumor, the mortgage, and the children, try redirecting the conversation. Subjects or activities that you mutually enjoy such as books, music, watching television together, or eating familiar food may give intimacy a boost. It’s about learning to reconnect. Incorporating non-sexual touching, such as massage or bathing together, also can help couples reconnect and provide comfort.

Sexuality and intimacy may be hard work in a relationship without the addition of the brain tumor diagnosis. Changes in sexual behavior need to be attended to early so the intimate feelings are not lost permanently. Continuously working on intimacy is an ongoing challenge. Health care professionals are becoming more sensitive to this issue and will listen and refer to appropriate resources. Friends who have had cancer and treatment may also be good resources, as they have probably experienced differences in sexuality and intimacy with body and cognitive changes.

Mary Lovely, PhD, RN
Medical Information Specialist / Associate Director of Research

Send This | Categories: Ask the Health Professional

(2) Comments

Posted by: Lori on June 7, 2011 9:40PM UEDT

Thank you Mary for your post and your research. My husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 gliobastoma and surgery was successful and his recovery has been amazing. However, it's only been a few months and I'm aware of the statistics of possible future outcomes.

I am having a little bit of a hard time with the lack of intimacy but I also understand these changes will take awhile to overcome or to adjust to. I'd be interested in hearing the stories of others who have been going through this longer than I and that could give any advice possible.

Thanks ~

Posted by: Jackie2 on June 10, 2011 6:45PM UEDT

Lori,

It's going to get better. But you will have to work on it.

I am a 'chronic' patient - craniotomy (23 hours) in 1990, GKRS in 2001, breast cancer surgery/radition/chemo in 2003, and then surgery/chemo again in 2007. From my personal experience, the treatment (not the 'shock' -and most of us don't experience 'personality change' ) and the pain/discomfort brought on by the disease/surgery is enough to wear us out.

Make sure that your husband gets good nutrition and has an exercise routine. Physical activity does wonders. Massage can be considered a form of exercise...

Statistics is old data. There are so many 'targeted' therapies these days, brain cancer patients/caregivers have plenty of reason to be optimistic.

'Trauma' patients often have a feeling of alienation. For a long period of time, I did not feel like I was part of the crowd - always felt like I was an observer outside the setting. I needed extra tender loving care because the 'world' 'felt' 'hostile' to me...